Patiently Anxious

Well, it’s been a long time since my last post and I really need to just write out my thoughts and current symptoms.  I’ve had a lot going on in my life like trying to find a new place to live that is safe and has a yard for our pup. After many full days searching I have run into so many dead-ends because everything I like get’s rented MINUTES before I pick-up and application or go to turn it in. So that’s been fun :/ but I’m hoping to find a place to put my infrared sauna so I can use it on a daily basis instead of having it at my parents house and only using it a couple times in the last year. It’s such a great detoxing tool but I have nowhere to put it where I can access it daily….so the search for a new home continues.

My husband is LOVING his job and currently is juggling: 1 Paramedic job, 1 paramedic/firefighter job, 1 volunteer fire job, overseeing our Etsy store, and volunteering once each week for our churches Safety Team. We’ve always had the goal to do work that you would do even if you weren’t getting paid and it’s that excitement that is driving him to be involved in so many commitments. It’s fun to support him doing what he loves. Even with all these committments he makes ample time to support me and spend time taking care of me when I need it and preparing my weekly meds. Seriously, I married up. He is amazing.

Things for me are going okay. I’ve had so great progress since I last posted like being able to drive more and really work on a lot of issues with my counselor. There is a school of thought that emphasizes dis-ease attaches itself to distrubing/life-altering memories from when the illness started. So for me I have found by working through those memories and making them not so painful that I can actually feel my body healing and not clinging to the past. It’s kinda weird, but through EMDR I have had so many breakthroughs and really think this is one of the keys of getting better.

My last couple doctors appointments have been disappointing for me and my family because I’m not making progress like my doctors expect I should be.  Its taken me some time to understand that my family is not disappointed in me, but rather, disappointed in the disease. This is so hard to separate that as I really feel like I am the disease. Just like a new mom’s life revolves around the new baby. My life to revolves around my treatment. I mean, every move I make is centered around getting rid of this disease and the bugs inside of me. All my activities, food, drinks, detoxing, bedtime, etc. it is ALL centered around what my body needs to get better so even when I follow my doctors instructions to the best of my ability I am still not moving forward in my treatment. There’s a looming three year treatment date that has added pressure because that’s originally what I understood as a typical treatment process for chronic Lyme patients. So I am still making progress but I have a ways to go. There’s still something that is holding up my success that we haven’t figured out which is so frustrating.

On Friday, I had a phone appointment with my Lyme specialist and we decided it would be a great time to back off my antibiotics and “killer” medicines to see how my body does without all those side effects. I will continue to take my supportive supplements and medications to keep all the rest of the variables the same. Just by paying attention to my body and knowing that symptoms coming back fast means Babesia or Bartonella are still a problem for my body and symptoms coming back at the end of the break for meds means that Lyme is still active in my body. Each organism grows at a different rate and Lyme is a slow grower.

Well, last night Justin picked up a graveyard shift for a friend in the ER, which means we both sacrificed sleep last night. I don’t know what it is but the first night out when his schedule changes it totally messes with me, so I’ve just learned to accept it. I was anxious beyond measure about really silly things. But I can’t tell if I am anxious as a symptom for Babesia or if I was simply anxious because Justin’s schedule had changed and my body isn’t used to that. So I stay partially awake incase someone tries to break in or a million other reasons that seem so dumb, but I can’t get past them to fully fall asleep.

Well this morning the anxiety is still very present. But I had a crappy nights sleep and just feel very blah and flu like today. I don’t want to stop the “break” for my body from all the killer medicine but I also can’t tolerate this anxiety and skin crawling feeling. I am determined to give it another day and talk to my doctor tomorrow. I know not everything is Lyme related and I could just be exhausted causing me to be anxious.  Today is filled with detoxing, calming tea, lavender spray, inspiring movies, serene memories and a lot of deep breathing.

So there you go. A snipet of My Life with a Twist of Lyme.

My Calm Safe Place

Grand Velas – Mexico