Double-Edged Sword

Having a diagnoses of Lyme disease is seriously a double-edged sword.  One one hand, I can have days like today where I dress nice, smile, laugh and enjoy my sisters bridal shower.  I small talk with friends and acquaintances whom I haven’t seen in many months or years. Some of the people I saw today didn’t even know I had gotten a diagnosis and I didn’t tell them.  I can “pass” as a normal, healthy human being. The double-edged sword is that I am extremely sick and suffering behind my “fake it ’til I make it” disguise.  People can’t easily recognize that I don’t feel well. I often envy cancer patients who can walk around with a shaved head.  It’s obvious they are in treatment and society as a whole is extra gentle towards those people. It’s just a common courtesy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish I had cancer, I just sometimes wish my invisible illness wasn’t so invisible.  It is so hard having someone who has heard I am sick look me in the eyes and say “but you look so good!” Seriously, those words hurt so bad because all my pain, is hidden beneath the skin and I have to verbally say, “no really, I’m super sick. I do five infusions a day and many days I don’t even get out of bed. This disease is really rough, but I’m pushing through”. It’s like I have to convince people. It’s so frickin’ stupid! I’m sick with Lyme disease. That is punishment enough. I don’t need to convince you to believe me too!  I’m glad sometimes that I can melt into society and look normal, but normally I just want people to look past my dirty yoga pants, day old makeup, my greasy hair and be happy that I made it to see my baby sister off to prom.

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Just because someone doesn’t look sick does not mean they are healthy.  There are many illnesses that are called “invisible illnesses” for a reason.  I have a big appointment tomorrow that has me freaked out a little. I am so nervous and anxious and I am over exhausted.  Please keep me in your prayers tomorrow morning as I meet with a new specialist.
Good night.

One thought on “Double-Edged Sword

  1. Pingback: So You Just Found Out You Have Lyme Disease?

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