Not only is today free slurpee day at 7/11 but today also marks my five year wedding anniversary. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been worth every second. This morning my husband and I watched a DVD of our wedding ceremony together before both of us were off for the day, me to a doctors appointment and him to work.
It was a very mellow morning and we talked about the last five years. We never could have imagined when we said our vows how important they were to both of us. I’ve been sick and in treatment more than half of our marriage. When we met, it was only the beginning of a million symptoms growing and taking over which finally led to my diagnosis. We are both very ready for this phase of our lives to be over so we can enjoy life more fully and not be tied down to my schedule of medications and when to eat and sleep.
I am so honored that I get to call Justin my husband. He has clung to the promise he made five years ago – in sickness and in health – when we live in a society that says when things get too hard get a divorce. Not us. It would be understandable in our society if he left me because my treatment was too hard, in fact that is true of so many people with Lyme. But I consider myself very fortunate to have him by my side.The hard times have only strengthened our relationship. I consider this a major blessing and thank God nearly every night how grateful I am for Justin in my life. He’s helped me and is patiently awaiting the next chapter of our lives.
My doctors appointment today was a long one. I met with my naturopathic doctor and we really had a hard core conversation about when I want in my future. I’m at a point in my treatment that I’ve got to really figure out what I want to do next. There will be a next (wahoo dance party!) with so many possibilities. I think I want to go back to school but I am very torn on which area I want to go into. To help me figure it out I’m doing a Myers-Briggs and interest inventory to point me in the direction where I can see jobs that I would be satisfied and where I would flourish. It’s important to me to find a job I would love to do even if I wasn’t getting paid.
Overall, my treatments shifting (yeah!) I’m not outta the woods with Lyme but there is some light shining through the tunnel. I’ve got a lot of changes in my protocol and so much to process physically and emotionally. Tonight I started implementing some of the new things I’ll be doing and now I’m overwhelmed and anxious – the exact opposite of what I intended. I’ve said it before but it’s more true now, I am fighting to take back my life.
I think bottom line…I need some major prayer. Prayer for my marriage to continually be strengthened by this process, prayers for who God designed me to be with work, school, becoming a parent, etc. I have so many things to consider and I’m excited to dive in and start figuring out bit by bit the direction my life will head in.
Is it healthy for me to keep this blog or is it keeping me in “sick mode”? I just don’t really know.
Will I be able to have kids or should I learn more about adoption? Or becoming a doula or midwife?
Do I want to go back into healthcare? Marketing? Graphic design?
I am overwhelmed with possibilities and conflicted all at the same time with all areas of my life. I know I don’t have to make all these decisions in a day but it is extremely healthy to involve myself in something. Just a couple hours each week or maybe even each day. What am I capable of doing? I’ve been on such a regiment with my medications and infusions that there isn’t much time left for much else. But what about when that gets less and less? Then what?
I’m really thinking and praying about being involved with the art team at my church. That seems to be the immediate solution while I figure out what I’m capable and what I want to do. How can I glorify the God who created me with my life on this earth?
I am both stoked and scared at these thoughts and changing up my 24 hour-a-day schedule. It’s been my constant and I am scared of losing it bit by bit because I know how to do life in the cycle I’m in. I feel like I don’t really know how to do life as an independent adult. I’m scared but excited. Would you please pray for me?