Today I am really reflecting back on my life. I realize that I started having symptoms when is was 13 or 14. I do not have many memories of me truly living life. I was still in middle school and I know my biggest fear in life was if my bangs were perfect, if my armpits were sweaty, and if I completed all of my homework for all of my classes. I was obsessed about those three things…oh yeah and I wanted to be friends with everyone, but was not in the “popular group” like my same-aged step-sister. My life was consumed by those silly things. It’s funny to look back now and thing how petty I was.
I do know, I have never really fully experienced life. I had parents molding me and forming me to be a good person and I accepted Jesus into my life around that time. I was never really rebellious, I always followed the rules and honestly, I think I played my childhood too safe. I want to LIVE my life full of joy and all that life can bring without all this extra baggage my sickness adds. I want to enjoy being married and be the wife I wish I could be instead of being the sick spouse and having my husband be my caretaker most of the time. (Side note: when you get married and you vow “in sickness and in health” you seriously should talk to my husband first and see if you can make that type of commitment. I know most people just say in sickness and in health….but really you are vowing both. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man)
Well, tonight my sick body dominated over my plans and I gave up trying to go because I was feeling so miserable. I missed my baby sisters last dance recital. She started dance as a tot and I have been looking forward to tonight for so many years. As a senior she gets to be a star in the show, have a lead position and it is something that all the people at her dance studio really look forward to…including me. Well, instead tonight I spent my time in bed sleeping and fighting horrible stomach upset and cramping along with an extra dose of fatigue. It breaks my heart to not see her big night. My step-mom tried to record some of the dances on her iPhone so I got blurry videos of her dancing (surprisingly I could easily pick her out because she is that awesome!). But it made me smile every time I got a new text of a video. Laying here I keep thinking that I am missing out on everything in her life. Like just a couple weekends ago I missed out on her high school graduation. I feel like the worst sister ever because I’m missing some serious milestones in my sisters life–all because I’m too sick to go. I spent a little while having a pity party for myself and then my sister-in-law sent me this awesome text. She reminded me that there will be an end to all this. I will get to experience life…REAL LIFE. Not having any rules or restrictions, I will be able to drive or fly to Disneyland on a whim! I will be able to drink alcohol pool side or anywhere for that matter! I will not be nauseous all day every day! I won’t have to set dozens of alarms on my phone so I take my medicine on time. I will have energy to do more than one thing each day. AND I will get to cross things off my bucket list! I WILL get to do life beyond Lyme. Praise Jesus! I have such tunnel vision to beat this but I often forget about life on the other side. I may have missed out on Amy’s dance recital and high school graduation, but I can still be there for her future milestones. What a light bulb moment!
It is so refreshing to realize this state of my life is only temporary. I can beat this. I will beat this. Amen!