Last night, I was doing my nightly routine of coffee enema, castor oil, full stomach meds followed a few hours later by empty stomach meds and my binding drink. I had spent less time than normal on the floor in my bathroom allowing the coffee enema to pull out all the junk that had been collected through the day out of my body. Sometimes I feel more like a lab rat than an actual human.
It was around this time that my mind was FLOODED with awful thoughts. Specific thoughts. Things that are not healthy to be going through my brain. I came out of the bathroom totally confused and saw my hubby just hanging out. Normally, this is totally cool and I’m glad he’s relaxing because he works really hard and it’s almost time for bed. But last night, it was like adding insult to injury when I saw him playing on his computer while I had just spent all this time trying to do my part to get rid of this disease and feel better. I was extra nauseous and really scared by the constant thoughts bombarding my brain. I truly think it was an attack on my from Satan. The mastermind of all things evil.
Justin could tell something was different with me. He was concerned and he sat on the side of my bed holding my hand. He said EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR: “We will get through this. Let’s focus on getting through tonight.” He walked me through some breathing exercises and gave me some medicine to help with my anxiety. He continued to hold my hand and just started praying for me. He thanked God for this situation, even though we don’t understand it at all. He prayed that the thoughts would leave my brain. He prayed that there would be an end to all of this and that we would be able to manage the treatment until we were done.
This illness is not something that you can just buy off and it will go away. It is a super long and drawn out process with no right or wrong treatment, but more what will work to heal my body. I’m confident I have the best treatment team of doctors and medical professionals to help me make it to the other side. But don’t get me wrong, it is hard. Some days/nights are harder than others. I feel like I am running a race and no one knows exactly where the finish line will be. Lyme, unfortunately has found itself at the core of a political and insurance scandal where people who research it can’t or won’t share with the rest of the medical community because they want to make money on what they discovered. No one in the medical community talks to each other so there is no standard cure for Chronic Lyme (what I have). It is so sad and frustrating. Like, if I had any form of cancer there would be a direct plan and course of treatment and an expected ending date for the treatment protocol. For me, and my Chronic Lyme, I know there is and end but I can’t tell if it’s a month away or another year and a half. That alone is frustrating. So before I get all worked up again I just focus on what Justin told me….”Let’s focus on getting through right now”.
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Right now, I need to take some deep breaths and shut my exhausted eyes for just a little longer. Then I will try and start my day over again. There are some fun things I want to be part of, but I’m not sure I have enough spoons to do it all. If that last sentence made NO SENSE to you check out the Spoon Theory. It is a beautiful day outside and I’d really like to spend time with my family doing our Fantasy Football draft. I also really want to go to church tonight because making it at 9am didn’t happen. :/
If you can, please pray for me today. Pray for me to have energy. Pray for the disturbing thoughts I had last night to be gone and forgotten. Pray that I can be okay in the moment and not feel like a complete failure because today is challenging for me. Pray for my husband. Above all pray for an attitude of gratitude regarding my treatment. And that I seek to praise God for all things– good and bad.