This blog has been a healthy way for me to keep track of events that happened during my treatment. It’s also been a way to journal some of the most bizarre and strange things I’ve been through.
October 11th was the first day I experienced a new thought that was so deep and so real to me I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I woke up that morning and had the deepest knowledge that my life on earth was ending soon. This thought, or fact or warning was so real to me I couldn’t question it. I tried to just forget about it and let it go but as I continued on with my day and one day turned into many that I woke up with this same fact reminding me that my time was limited. I googled it to see if it was a medication reaction or if other people had experienced this and I couldn’t really find anything that I related to. I looked for Bible verses that talked about warnings about death, I prayed and asked God if these thoughts were really a warning or if it was Satan screwing with me. I looked into planing my own funeral. I was confused and scared but tried my best to keep it to myself because I didn’t know what to think of this crazy realization. I thought it would be better to keep it to myself.
On October 15th I had a good doctors appointment with my Lyme specialist. I had many labs done that appeared like I was improving and continuing to make progress. The car trip was rough on me, but Justin and I shared some good laughs during the trip and between periods of me feeling really sick we had a nice time. I discounted the constant reminder because everything I could tell is I was getting better so the thoughts must be wrong.
The thoughts were eating away at me. I kept thinking at any moment I could die. I finally broke down and told Justin what had been going on in my brain. I told him how scared I was and that I didn’t understand it at all. I told him what I wished for him after I was gone. I was convinced my time on earth was ending even though I couldn’t understand it. It was fact and I couldn’t shake it. This was serious and scary and I didn’t know what to do.
It shook me to my core so I turned to God. I prayed and prayed and hoped I was wrong. I talked to some of my loved ones and told them how special they were to me. I hugged my husband a little tighter and said ‘I love you’ more genuinely when I ended a phone call instead of just a habit.
Then I decided I needed to tell my mom. She’s worked for hospice for many years and death is something she deals with on a daily basis. I figured out of anyone she’d be able to answer my questions and not think I’m totally insane. “Do people get death warnings?” “Why is this happening to me?” I cried a majority of this conversation and don’t remember a lot of it but I do remember my mom was compassionate and loving. She didn’t have definite answers to my questions but she told me she loved me and she didn’t understand my thoughts but she believed me and hoped I was gonna be around for a while.
I continued to wrestle with these thoughts and debated hoping on a plane and going on a vacation with my husband. I thought about my answer to the question: “What would you do if you had thirty days left to live?” When I’d answered that question in the past I would answer ‘spend time with my loved ones and go to Disneyland’ but now that I truly thought that realization was starring me in the face all I could think of was embracing my life and trying to push forward. My relationship with God was strengthened. I was so scared and confused but I trusted my creator and found hope in Jesus. I knew I didn’t understand but I was confident that there was a greater purpose in my life ending in such a short time.
I decided not to worry about every detail of my funeral or writing notes to my loved ones. Instead I turned my focus to trusting in God.
In a conversation with Justin, he told me it was important to him that I continue with my treatment and not stop it. His gut instinct was that all the feelings of death I was experiencing was actually the Lyme dying not my physical bodies death. I listened and I kept on with my treatment.
The full moon came and went and I suprisingly slept better than I had during a full moon in almost three years. My anniversary of my diagnosis continued to creep up and my thoughts about dying continued.
On Monday, the 21st I had an appointment with my doctor in Reno. She talked to me and listed to my concerns. I brought up my scary thoughts and told her how confused I was. I had this deep belief but still questioned the validity of it all because according to lab results my body was improving, not getting worse.
She looked over some labs, then did some other tests and found I had parasites again (or it’s possible I never fully got rid of them)! Ugh! I hadn’t even considered the stupid parasites because I thought I had got rid of them!!! I also tested positive for the co-infection, Bartonella, which I haven’t tested positive for in a long time. Brain inflammation is a huge symptom from Bartonella and can cause strange thoughts too!
Now looking back, the First Quarter Moon was on the 11th followed by the Full Moon on the 18th. This was the most intense time of my haunting thoughts. The thoughts continued with me through this week but they are not nearly as scary because I can explain the weird thoughts/beliefs are from parasites in my body and my brain. This period has been so scary and caused me to think about my life a lot.
I grounded myself a lot in my Savior and cemented my beliefs about life and death when faced with the reality of my own death. I am grateful to have a relationship with Jesus and know that we are all dying and my day could be tomorrow or in 70 years and I’m okay if I die because I have Jesus.